Commando!!
by blarney stone
Rated R
Usual disclaimers apply.
Inspired by a thread on Serge
"Who in their right mind reinforces their closet with steel? If you ask me, the Ice Queen is a few snowballs short of an igloo," Ray Kowalski complained bitterly, rubbing his shoulder where he had slammed into the door trying to break out.
"Really Ray, Inspector Thatcher assured us that she would let us out just as soon as the French ambassador left. Of course that doesn't explain why she wanted to lock us in here in the first place," Fraser said thoughtfully.
"I'm sure she has her reasons," Turnbull put in confidently.
"Who asked you? And get your hand off my butt," snarled Ray.
"I suggest that we all take a moment to calm down," Fraser suggested.
From outside their hiding place/prison, giggling could be heard, and
French, the language of love. The giggling turned into gasps, them groans, then shrieks. Fraser and Turnbull stood absolutely still. pretending to be unaware of anything out of the ordinary. Ray bent down to have a look through the keyhole.
"Ray!" Fraser reproved.
"Come on Fraser! If you weren't Canadian, you'd do the same thing," he smirked, and put his eye to the keyhole. "Wow," he said. "Did you guys know that Thatcher has a tattoo?"
"I must insist that you stop, Ray. It's not appropriate for you to spy on the Inspector during her. ah. .negotiations," Fraser complained.
"Not a chance. Oh man, you got to see this! She standing on her head and. ."
Fraser cut him off with a rough jerk. There was a ominous ripping sound. All three checked themselves.
"Oh shit!!" Ray exclaimed.
"It serves you right for spying on Inspector Thatcher and for wearing jeans that are two sizes too small," Turnbull pointed out.
"What am I going to do?" Ray wailed.
"Constable Turnbull is right. A bit of embarassment will teach you a lesson," Fraser said smugly.
"You guys don't understand. I decided to go commando this morning!"
The two mounties exchanged confused glances. "Commando?" Fraser asked.
"I'm not wearing any underwear!"
Both mounties gasped in shock and Turnbull's hand went to his heart
.
"Well, that does present a problem," Fraser managed to say.
"The very idea!" Turnbull gasped. "How could you go out in public with no underwear on?"
"Nobody was supposed to know I wasn't wearing any," Ray answered exasperatedly.
"Yes, but you knew."
"Look, one of you is going to have to lend me his jacket untill I can get home." Ray glanced from one to the other.
Fraser and Turnbull vigorously nodded their refusal.
Turnbull explained, "Inspector Thatcher becomes quite incensed if she finds us out of uniform. Wait," he searched his pockets. "AHA! I have a needle and thread. I can sew your pants up for you."
"Well done, Turnbull," approved Fraser.
"It's ripped in the crotch. I really rather not have you poking a needle down there," Ray snapped.
"You could take your pants off," Fraser suggested helpfully.
"Okay," Ray agreed. "Lend me your jacket until he's finished."
"Oh no. I can't do that. If Inspector Thatcher opens the closet, she'll find me out of uniform."
"If she opens the closet, she'll find me naked!"
"Ah, but she's not your superior officer."
"You'd better hurry, Detective. Inspector Thatcher could. .finish. . at
any time," Turnbull warned.
Ray looked from Fraser to Turnbull and back again. Seeing no other way, he unfastened his pants and slid them down. Naturally, they got stuck when he tried to pull them past his shoes. Turnbull reached out to help, but Ray slapped his hands away with a glare. He handed the torn pants to Turnbull, and backed up against the wall, while carefully placing his hands over the Kowalski family jewels.
"I can't believe I'm standing here in a closet without my pants with two mounties. If this gets out, I'm done for," he sighed.
"Not to worry. We won't tell, will we, Turnbull?"
"My, my, that is a big one!" Turnbull exclaimed.
"What?!" Ray squeaked.
Turnbull held up the pants, indicating the tear. "It's a big rip. Perhaps we could lessen the tension by talking about something else. I understand the weather will be turning cooler soon."
"Yes," Fraser joined in. "There's a massive frontal on the way. I mean front," he added hastily.
Turnbull added,"There's supposed to be spurts of driving rain on thursday, Oh dear, that didn't come out the way I intended."
"Just sew the damn pants, and keep your mouths shut!" Ray hissed.
Several minutes passed while Turnbull stitched and Fraser examined the ceiling. Finally, Ray said, "Fraser."
"Yes Ray?"
"Scratch my nose."
"What?"
"Scratch my nose. I'm not moving my hands."
"Ah," Fraser nodded in understanding. He enthusiastically complied. "Is that all right?"
"That's great. Wait, scratch my ear too."
Fraser did as he was told. Ray sighed happily. "Thanks, I appreciate it."
"Anytime, Ray."
Turnbull snipped the thread and held out the pants. "Here you are, Detective. Good as new. Actually, better than new. The workmanship on those jeans was inexcusably shoddy. You know, you really should examine your clothing more carefully before you purchase it."
"Give me the damn pants!" He snatched them from Turnbull's hands and bent to slip them over his shoes.
Two pairs of Canadian eyes grew wide at the prolonged view of Ray's backside. Fraser cleared his throat and Turnbull adjusted his collar. Ray struggled with the shoes, but finally won and slid the jeans up and over his narrow hips.
Fraser and Turnbull frowned in disappointment. They caught each other's expression. Fraser raised an eyebrow and Turnbull blushed, them smiled guiltily.
Just as Ray managed to zip up, the door flew open and a winded, but perky Thatcher ushered them out.
"That'll be all gentlemen. Thank you for your patience," she said, shooing them out of her office.
Ray considered making a smart remark, but, under the circumstances, decided against it.
As the door to Thatcher's office slammed behind them, Turnbull said, "We really must do this again sometime."
"When hell freezes over," Ray snorted.
"I think Turnbull means, we should get together and perhaps see a movie or play old maid," Fraser said.
Ray turned away and headed out of the consulate. "Oh yeah, I can see myself playing old maid with a couple of mounties."
Turnbull and Fraser hurried to catch up with him. They flanked him on each side and Turnbull said, "You haven't played it with Canadian rules. You're going to find this very amusing, Detective. You see it involves losing an item of clothing for every point. . "
the end.
Return to Blarney's Homepage
Send me Some Feedback
Created with the Internettrash HTML Editor