Oct 29th, 1998
We went to the doctor this week and found out
that Jess isn't as far along as we think. Nothing to big, only by a week
or two. We got to see pictures of the baby, which I have posted at the front
of the page. It's all so amazing to me. To think that I'm going to be a dad.
That someones life is in mine and my wifes hands. I don't know how to acuretly
describe the feeling. It's like dread and excitement all at the same time.
Fear is a big thing for me. I'm in constant battle with my fears. My fammily
imparted so many of them to me when I was young, and I've spent a good part
of my adult life trying to come to terms with them. Now that I have a child
on the way, it has become even more imperative to overcome them.
Oct 21st, 1998
Next week we goto find if it's a boy or a girl.
I'm realy excited to find out which. I lay at times and think of all the
things I want ot give my child, be it a boy or a girl. Then I think of all
the things I dont want it to pick up from me. My ADD for one thing. My parents
for another. LOL. Weve talked about names and we've settled on Rachel Rayann
for a girl, but havent decided on a boys yet. I like Jacob Reece, but she
doesnt. Good thing we find out next week.
Aug 2nd, 1998
Wow. I'm gonna be a dad. At the begining of the week my wife and I both found that she was 2 months pregnant. We have never used contraceptives in the 6 years we have been together and have never once came close. My wife was told at one time that it would be hard for her to become pregnant because of a hormonal imbalance. So our shock was amplified 10 fold. Our jaws dropped when we first discovered that we were going to be parents. I still can't believe it. So now we're doing what we can to get ready. We may be moving to another house that is more accomidating to the baby. Wow. Me, a dad.
Feb 20th, 1998
I was reminded today of " the allegory of the cave " . In it your are to imagine yourself having lived in a cave, shackeld facing a wall, without the ability to turn around, your whole life knowing nothing more then the shadows that pass in front of you. To you ,this is reality. This is all you know. Then one day, your bonds brake and you turn behind you and see a bright light that almost blinds you. Its the entrance to the cave. You walk towards it, and for the first time, you see the outside world. You marvel at its beauty and go back into the cave, to tell the others who are also shackeled in the cave, about the wonders outside. Thing is, no one believes you. They call you a liar for trying to change what they believe is true. They would kill you if they could. So, you leave and you go out into the world.
How many people do you know like the ones in the cave ?
Jan 23rd, 1998
Ya ya ya ...I know.. "Almost daily "
Its been awhile since I wrote in here. Thanksgiving,
X-mass, New Years have all come and gone.
What a hassle.
X-mass was the worst ever. My wife wasnt to
into the spirit and I ended up doing all of my x-mass shopping on the last
day. THAT wont happen again.
Im trying to learn to make money off of advertiseing
on the web. Its a slow proccess but my goal is to make enough to re-invest
into my computer. Theres alot to learn.
My ADD is working up at the worst time. I have
a writting deadline this week and if I dont get it in then I loose the acount.
Problem is my ADD wont let me organize what I need to do so I get over whelemd
befor I begin. :(
Oct 10th, 1997
Wow...way to long since I last wrote in here. Thats the problem with haveing ADD. you tend to forget alot of stuff. Sometimes I feel like one of those absent minded proffessors. LOL
Well, the last 2 months have been interesting. I decided i wanted to simplify my life more. People are thinking Im on hermit status. I upgraded the memory on my comp from 16 to 48 and wow what a dif. now all I need is a larger hardrive and I'll be happy for a while longer.
Dot is doing well. She seems alot happier now that she can run around. If I can I want to scan her x-rays and put them here. I thought some of you would find them interesting.
Aug 9th, 1997
Jesus I sure take my own sweet time writting in here dont I ? This last month has been interesting. Dot had her second ( and hopefully last ) operation 3 days ago. She's pissed off because I wont let her walk around. So I try to be extra sweet to her. My HTML temple page is haveing its ups and downs. I think though I've finnaly hit on a look for it that I like. My buddhist practice hasnt been going well, I need to work on my meditation more. Val helped me put together a great resume, since I'm looking for new work. How exciting !!
July 5th 1997
I desire to be mindfull in all things. This is my challenge with ADD. I am sometimes prone to great insight, and sometimes prone to great mood swings. My study of the dharma teaches me to be mindful of my actions, and of my thoughts. I think I probably do an over all good job of this, but I still find myself ocasionaly getting upset about stupid things. I need to focus on daily meditation, to cleanse the mind and renew the spirit.
July 3rd 1997 ( tomarows the 4th??? where did that come from???)
I found out that I had ADD at the begining of the year. Im 28, ,married, and hadnt kept a job for longer the 6 months. I had no idea why I got so bored so quickly, why it was I understood things that no one else around me could make the connection to. I never knew why it was that I forgot things so easily all the time. My wife was becomeing more and more increasingly frustrated with me. I have a high IQ and so people expected great things out of me. When I couldnt deliver, I felt ashamed and worthless, like I knew that I had potential, but felt helpless in grasping it. How do you explain to your fammily that the reason you quit your job is because you were bored ? "Bored ??? " they always say, " you think I like my job? Everyone gets bored at their job, thats no reason to quit." ...but they just didnt get it. They never understood the torture of boredom like I did ,and because of that I felt isolated. Since I learned I had ADD I felt over joyed, I finnaly knew what it was that I had been feeling all this time. I went out and bought the book "Driven to distraction." (which I still have not finnished reading)and also found out about Bobs little corner of the web, (bless you Bob, you've helped to save my life)and although this is the toughest time in my life, I know that I can overcome it because others have already done it.
A terrific person has agreed to be my ADD coach (someone who helps you get organized) and she couldnt have come at a better time. Val, I truly apretiate you. You are a god send.
July 2nd 1997
Empathy and compasion can be a hard thing to practice when it keeps getting thrown back up in your face. There is someone who I have tried to be kind to and even helpfull to, but everything I say gets turned into some sort of attack. I've known people like this before, and I used to just ignore them and leave them out of my life. I dont like to associate with people who have a negative attitude about everything. Like the saying goes, " Its easier to run with 100 people then it is to run with 1 person around your neck. "
June 17th 1997
Sometimes I forget what it is I realy want out of life, which is to learn to be happy no matter what the circumstance. No, I dont mean some kind of mindless bliss, but to be able to enjoy life if I'm rich or poor. Not dependent on the trapings of life, but on my own ability to see and make life what I want of it. I forget sometimes that this is the one thing that I must learn. I allow others to clog my mind with what should be petty problems. Instead I allow them to overcome me, and I allow them to control me. Some one told me that you can not hold the things that you love close to you, for if you do, you will draw near their opposites, and continuosly have to fight to keep them. That instead, it's better to let them go, so that you may apretiate them for what they are, not what you want them to be. Sometimes I forget to do this.
June 7th 1997
I havent writen in here for a while because I've been busy. So a quick update is in order.
Dot goes to the vet for another checkup on monday. She's still pissed.
A friend of mine had a car accident she wasnt to hurt but she started to go into labor,(she's in her 7th month) luckily they were able to stop it before it went to far. Her car is toast though. You can send her your well wishes here.
I have been fine.
May 29th 1997
Dot Doesnt like haveing to lay down all the time. It's been realy hot so I've stopped putting her in her crate and have kept her laying down next to me as much as I can. She knows she's not supposed to get up, instead I find her crawling away, trying very deftly to sneak away from me.
May 26th 1997
Dots doing better. We wont let her walk around so she's confined to either a foam cushion or her padded crate all day. She is not happy with that at all.
Today is memeorial day so that means everyone is out either getting drunk or trying to get drunk. I try to stay off the roads on days like these, to many cops to hassle you and to many drunks to try to avoid.
My grandmother offered me my grandfathers wedding ring yesterday. I was touched by the offer, my grandfather while he was alive was more like a father to me then anything else. He was my male role model growing up. I loved him more then any other man in my life. I couldnt take the ring though . I told her that the reason was that it was a different style band then what I was used to ( which is true ), but neglected to tell her the real reason I didnt want it. To many attachments associated with it. I'm trying to learn to let go of my attachments. This ring would have grounded me to my grandfather even more, and I need to learn to let him go. I heard a good analogy about this which stated that, " think of the things you attach yourself to like a bird. Its purpose and joy is to fly into the heavens. If you cage this bird, or hold tightly to its body, you never get to appretiate the glory of seeing it in flight. "
May 19th 1997
Dot came home today with a bunch of staples in her leg and the hair on it shaved off. She is scheduled to have one more surgery in a 3 weeks. Tomarrow is my B-day. My wish is that she gets running around soon.
May 16th 1997
Yesterday was Dots appointment with the hip vet. He said that there was a good chance that an opperation would help her. We decided to go ahead with it and have it done on the 17th. My wife and I were both nervous going in, and just as nervous comeing out. The opperation is going to cost alot of money but as my wife said, " Its just money. ". I love it when she's so right. :~)
May 14th 1997
The appointment for dot was moved up to thursday, so we wont know anything till then. My wife tends to think that my point of view on all of this is a bit to controlling for her, That I'm not allowing myself to really feel how I should about the whole situation. I don't know how to respond to that. I feel how I feel. I try to never allow my feelings to cloud my judgment of a situation. That doesn't mean that I don't have compassion for Dot. I have nothing but compassion for her. It's just that I don't see the point in being depressed about something for to long. That to me is non-productive. Dot deserves more then that.
May 13th 1997
My wife made an appointment to get Dot looked at by a specialist. I had to drive across town to pick up her x-rays. Dot came along with me and sat in the front seat. Her head alternated between the window and nuzzleing in my lap. I stroked her head and scratched behind her ears until she would start to kick her leg with dog laughter. I was always afraid to let Dot get close to me because she was only meant to be with us " Temporarily "until we could find her a good home. Today and yesterday I've realized that somehow she snuck up on my heart. My wife had always said to me, " Love is non-possesive. " I used to think that just meant that you couldn't ever "Poses" love. Now I'm starting to realize that it also means that you can't always be sure if it sneaks up on you.
May 12th 1997
Sometimes things come into our lives for different reasons. Sometimes to teach, sometimes to mend, and sometimes just to seek love. Today I found out that my 14month old pit bull who I rescued 7 months ago has what is refered to as " Hipdysplasia ", in other words, the joint in the hip doesnt fit right. This causes her alot of pain and suffering, and can only, ( if not treated ) get worse. The chances are however, that the hipdysplasia may be so far gone, that there's nothing that can be done. We don't know for sure yet what our options are. My wife and I work with dogs every day. We have a special loyalty to them. My wife is not taking this well. Her mind is preoccupied with thoughts of , " I should have done this." or " I could have done that. ", but no thoughts of either " should have " or " could have " can fix this situation. I was reminded of the 2nd nobel truth of the Buddhist philosophy which basically says, " suffering occurs because you want things." . I realized the truth of this driving home from the vet. I wanted to go back and change things. I wanted to make things better for my wife. I want to not suffer. I remembered some one saying to me one time that, " Things are neither intrinsically good or bad except that which we give meaning to. ". Thinking on this I began to think that maybe, just maybe, Dot came into our lives so that she could die with loved ones around. When we found her she was torn up with fleas, sores all over her body, and was afraid to be touched. Who ever owned her before, did not love her, and she would have died with a great amount of suffering. I mentioned this to my wife but she was not ready to hear it. She is to caught up in the cycle of " Should have, could have." which I can understand. I don't know whats going to happen in the weeks ahead, but I know this, whatever does happen, I will love Dot till her last days.
May 9th 1997.
I couldn't write yesterday because AOhell was doing stuff to their ftp server. Who knows what ? I haven't noticed any changes. I downloaded an IRC chat program a couple of days ago, its pretty fun. I gave it to my Aol friend Mischeaux and we've been farting around with it. Im putting up a new section to my web page, taken from a paper I had written a few years ago called " My meaningful coincidences " its 10 pages long so it's taking me a while to copy so I haven't put it up yet. When Im finished copying it THEN I'll put it up.
May 7th 1997.
I learned that I had A.D.D. a little over 2 months ago. A.D.D. stands for Attention Deficit Disorder. In other words, I have a problem focusing and remembering certain tasks. It would take forever to explain here...there's a link to info on A.D.D. on my main page. Anyway...I've been trying to figure out how to get a handle on this, been reading some books, talking to an online support group, all of this...and I still forget to take out the trash this morning. I have a huge I.Q. don't get me wrong...statiticaly only 10% of the people that I run into in my life will be as smart as me. I don't say that to brag, but it's the truth, so I know that its not that I'm stupid or anything, it's just that I forget things even when I know they need to be done. My wife is pretty patient with me, ( thank god ) but I'm not with myself. I want to control this thing, I want it to stop interfearing with my life !!!
May 6th 1997.
The day after and my head is pounding. I'm either catching a cold, or the teriyaki sauce I put on my chicken last night was spiked with vodka. Either way I'm dying here !!! I woke up late today because my wife had set the alarm clock wrong. We were'nt that late, maybe a half hour, but I still hate to rush. I love to sleep, and when I wake up I have to get out of bed right away or I tend to stay there to long. I took her to work and came back and tried to get another hours sleep. Big mistake. I should have stayed awake. Now I feel worse then before I took the nap. I hate when that happens.
May 5th 1997.
Its cinco de myo here....since I live in a prodomently mexican area, it's usually cause to get off the streets to stay away from the drunks and the cops looking for the drunks. I decided to have a bar.b.q. and celebrate with my wife and a friend of ours. No we're not hispanic but who cares, when your in the mood to celebrate any holiday will do. I borrowed the bbq from my mother in law along with some coals and lighter fluid. The coals wouldn't keep the heat very well so it took along time for them to cook. The chicken came out a little dryer then I wanted it to..but I'm not one to really complain, we were all having fun...thats what really counts. Friends are important to me, I don't really get along with my family all to well so I pick my friends very closely. I have a saying, " Your relatives are the family you get, your friends are the family you want. ". I don't have alot of friends, but the ones that I do have I love alot.
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