The Aztecs may have been a bit ahead of the rest of us. Be they Mormon, Jehovah Witness, or whatever, missionaries can be a pain in the ass, and I know, I used to be one. They are trained to look for weakness and opportunity and will exploit both at any chance they get. They arrive at your doorstep either because they are trackting your block, or one of your friends have sent them your name, or maybe you were suckered into one of their "free" offers on the television. Either way, here they are, on your doorstep.
So how do you deal with them ?
Well, you can just say no and slam the door in their face, that may be effective, or may just make them more determined. You can try talking to them, but remember, they've been trained for this, they have the advantage, and once they're in, have fun getting them out. So what do you do ?
Do what I do. Play with them.
There's nothing better then the confused look
on a missionaries face when they don't know how to react to what you say.
You've stumped them, and they end up walking away either confused or simply
upset. I have literally seen them cry. That's what this page is about, humorous
responses to typical missionary rhetoric. If you have any funny responses
that you would like to see here, please send them to me at
lilbudha1@earthlink.net.
| Missionary : " Hi ! We're just going around your street talking to people about the love that Jesus has for them. We'd like to share a message with you of peace and love. " |
Possible answers :
" Great ! Hold on one second ! ( leave the door and come back with a pen and paper) Now where do you live ? (they will now either ask why you want their address or tell you that they can't give it to you.) Well I figure if you can come to my house to tell me about something, why can't I come to you when I want to tell someone something ? "
" Jesus who ? Never heard of him. Isn't he the guy that makes the tacos over at the Taco Hut ?"
" My time is worth money. I charge twenty dollars the first hour, ten dollars every hour after that. Payment must be made in advance. How much do you guys have ? "
" Can't talk ! Busy slaughtering the sacrificial lamb to give to the great god Whoseyurdaddy ! "
" Peace and love ? Are you sure you guys aren't from San Fransisco ? "
"Great come on in, we need two more for the orgy." (sent by Xalan )
" As a matter of fact, God was here just a few minutes ago. He asked me to deliver a special message to you. Go to hell!" (sent by Michael)
" I talk to God every day and he tells me to do things such as fuck sheep. I fuck sheep every day. Are you a lamb of God? " (sent by Michael)
"Oh *do* come in. We only have eleven celebrants so far and with you two, that makes thirteen, a much better number for a Black Mass, wouldn't you say?" (sent by Landis)
" Oh, my, you're early. Well, that's all right, come on in and take your clothes off. I'm sure the rest of the coven will be here shortly." (sent by Landis)
Possible answers :
" Hell no, sounds boring to me ! "
" Could you guys please come back another time? (After making an appointment for a future visit). Oh, and do you have a pen and paper (if not supply one): I would like you to bring these things please: silk scarves, candles, massage oil (edible of course), two c-rings, a strap-on, a silver bullet...........(When asked why or look of shock) Well you didn't expect an orgy without toys, did you? " (sent by Chani)
A list of things to do from Steve Knight...
" Good! Just keep going *around* my street. Thank you! <slam door>" (sent by Kalle)
" Oh hi! The coven has assembled but we've been waiting for a proper sacrifice. Are either of you virgin? " (sent by Fred)
"You're just in time, I had a fight with my wife and I think this time killed the bitch and she's damn heavy. Can you help me drag the corpse under the house?" (sent by Gully)
" Y'know, I prayed to god to send me a blonde (or some hair color other than what the missionaries are) and he sent me you? I TOLD HIM I'D KILL ANY MISSIONARY THAT WASN'T BLONDE! THAT BASTARD GOD! "
A somewhat long but funny one from Djehuti
When they have introduced themselves, smile with joyous surprise and yell back into your home "It's true, it's true, they're actually here!" Then reply to the missionaries (still smiling) "Last night during the dark ritual, the master said that you would be coming. (With a big grin and a deep voice) Please, do come in."
Having a big black Rottweiler or Doberman you can refer to as Satan just for these special occasions wouldn't hurt either.
Now, now, I know what you're saying..."Hey, Djehuti, what if these just happen to be a couple of psycho missionairies who decide to call your bluff and come in anyway?" Well now, that's what the Bible and good decent hospitality is for. After you have offered them a seat (with the same grin and deep voice), close the drapes, light a couple of candles and some incense, turn out the lights, and tell them that you shall be back shortly. Go to your kitchen and prepare a couple of very bad tasting drinks. Return to your innocent guests with the drinks and a Bible and big butcher knife under your arm. Put the drinks down in front of them (maintaining your grin) with the butcher knife just out of their reach and open up the Bible to Mark 16:17-18. Read these verses stopping right after the part about how drinking deadly poison will not hurt them. Then respond to them "Before you can be accepted for the ritual, you must first prove that you are indeed the ones whom the master has sent. (With a look of joyous anticipation) Please, drink your drinks, and after that, you may remove your clothes."
This can be much more fun and easier to pull off if you don't live alone. However, if you do live alone, you can prepare ahead of time with some recordings of voices or a barn yard animal that can be played from behind the closed door of your bedroom. Imagine the sound of a lamb being heard and you responding unpleasantly "Somebody shut that damn beast up! I'm trying to prepare here!" then responding pleasantly back to your guests "My apologies, this shouldn't take long."
Now you may be saying "Sure Djehuti, but don't you think this is quite a lot to be going through just to get rid of a couple of missionairies?" Well indeed it is, but you have to take into consideration that these people have taken a considerable amount of time out of their day just to bother you for no good reason at all. The least that you could do is show a little consideration by taking a little time to make sure that it's an experience they'll never forget. It's just good manners.