Country Ways

'The only useful function of the countryside is to keep the towns separated' - Peter Cook

Although Cook was undoubtedly a talented satirist, We at MartyCam™ believe that this particular view represents that of an urban fop with no comprehension of the importance of our rural heritage. Therefore in appreciation of horny-handed sons and daughters of the soil, throughout this green and pleasant land we offer the following rustic tribute

60 Ways to be a Yokel.

1. Burn tyres on a Sunday afternoon
2. Throw empty fertiliser bags into all the local streams
3. Get phosphate poisoning from exposure to sheep dip
4. Marry a close relative
5. Discover the joy of silage
6. Worry about sheep worrying
7. Acquire a ruddy complexion
8. Get fat
9. Leave miscellaneous items of machinery rotting in fields
10. Become cynical about animal welfare
11. Drink scrumpy
12. Keep ferrets
13. Rely heavily on EEC subsidies, whilst maintaining staunch anti-European views
14. Eat strange animal body parts including jit, jot, weasand, lights, chitlings and hockle
15. Wear green clothing
16. Think that shit isn't repulsive
17. Think that black plastic improves the environment
18. Use barbed wire extensively
19. Make sure that a high percentage of your gates don't open
20. Enlist lawyers to fight the local council in disputes over rights of way
21. Use the phrase 'Oh, aar...'
22. Use the phrase 'There be...'
23. Be hostile
24. Go to bed early every night
25. Kill wild animals for fun
26. Join the countryside alliance
27. Endure rain stoically
28. Learn some sayings
29. Get riled at the mention of BSE
30. Look forward to the tupping season
31. Indulge in none scientific weather prediction
32. Complain
33. Own several guns
34. Watch John Craven's 'Country File'
35. Grumble about Vet'n'rees fees
36. Spill diesel
37. Become Xenophobic
38. Stop caring about personal hygiene
39. Get a septic tank
40. Develop a pathological hatred of vermin
41. Consider all wild animals to be vermin
42. Be suspicious
43. Think Bernard Matthews is a jovial old eccentric rather than a fat twat
44. Become a devout Christian
45. Grease the hawg (am.)
46. Threaten people with ass whupping (am.)
47. Be in 'top field'
48. Exhibit deference towards rich people
49. Chew a straw
50. Vote tory
51. Show respect for your elders.
52. Say nothing all day.
53. Keep dogs and complain about them.
54. Invite the vicar for tea.
55. Scowl.
56. Join the Round Table.
57. Listen to Country and Western music.
58. Drive a tractor.
59. Lose a body part in a hideous disfiguring accident that could have been avoided if you had only NOT stuck your body part in the baler.
60. Work like a bastard for fuck all.