The MartyPlan™ Financial Advice for a DirtyBoy Lifestyle

Living the Dirty lifestyle isn't easy. Shagging, Sucking, Fucking, drinking, bingeing, wanking, snorting, smoking, speeding, spliffing and partying do not come cheap in these times of New Labour fuelled inflation. Here we give some tips to the wanna-be Dirty Boys and Girls out there for how you can set up your finances for a real Dirty Life. Each tip has a Marty Rating - 10/10 for a perfect Dirtboxer and 0 for a straight laced bill payer. The aim is to maximise your DirtBox Points.

1. Never Pay Your Bills - Its a mugs game. Believe me its amazing how long you can get away without paying bills. Remember every pound you spend on Rent, Electricity and Gas bills is another month on your life, think about it. (Marty Points 8/10)
2. Burn Your Car Instead of Paying HP - When you get behind with your car payments the best bet is to get a mate to take the car to Elton and set light to it. Then report the car missing and get the police to investigate. Hopefully they will report that 'person or persons unknown' carried out an unprovoked Arson attack on your car and will give you a slip saying as much that can then be given to the HP company's insurers. (Marty Points 7/10)
3. Stag Weekends - These are a must for New Generation Dirters, they have two effects. Firstly you get so wasted that you risk serous and irreparable damage to one of your major organ systems - with long term consequences for your finaces (i.e. unemployment or death). They also have the bonus of going through money at a frightening rate. The combination of large amounts of drink/drug intake and mad mates leads to gratuitous cash wastage. One of our favourite examples was the stag weekend in Scotland that included a £30 round trip taxi journey to get a box of matches for a spliff. (Marty Points 6/10)
4. Redundancy - Normally not recomended. But if you have big bills take it if its available. Unfortunately this is usually a once in a Life time hit. (Marty Points 9/10)
5. Develop a Speed Habit- This is a real winner. Speed is expensive and addictive. The best sort of drug. As long as holding down a job/relationship/life aren't of interest this is a key aspect of the MartyPlan™. (Marty Points 10/10)
6. Go drinking straight from work- This is a great thing to do. Although it saves you money on an evening meal it wastes more. By the time you are pissed you will be ravenous and will gladly pay £6-10 for a crappy kebab/ curry that you would never eat sober much less pay for. (Marty Points 4/10 - unless you do it 3 times a week then 6/10)

We would like to thank Robert Maxwell of 'Over the Side Financial Planning' for invaluable help in formulating the MartyPlan™.