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DirtyBoy on His Holidays |
Dirtyboy arrived in Nefyn late and ended up sleeping in a field not bothering to pitch his tent, just using his sleeping bag. He was rudely awoken by a Labrador the next morning and decided he needed to stay on a proper camp site. A Welsh farmer was happy to charge him £3 to stay in his field with a tap and a digusting Bog. Dirtyboy only paid for the first night as he didn't know how long he was going to stay. The shower facilities were on the Caravan site over the road and cost 50 P for about a minute. Dirtyboy was on an extremely tight budget and felt aggreived that the local Sheep Shaggers were ripping him off.
Relying only on his native ingenuity he found a way to fiddle the shower, and tried several of his keys to open the cash box, in the end he succeeded with his trusty Lock Knife and managed to get £5 out of it, and then locked it again. Once on a roll the dirtyboy decided that the Girl's shower may contain more loot and got up in the middle of the night to give it a try. Unfortunately he couldn't manage it with his Knife and didn't want to snap the blade as it was itself worth about £15 and if the cash box contained less, then obviously it wasn't worth his while. A flat bladed Screwdriver would have done the trick, and Dirtyboy will remember that for next time.
In the end the 'Boy' did a runner from the camp site getting away with 2 nights. So it actually cost the Welsh countryfolk £2 for the pleasure of Dirtyboys company for 3 nights.
On his return he headed straight for his local. After 7-8 pints the fattest Bar maid in the pub asked him if he wanted to go to a party --- "Just me and her".
Dirtyboy takes up the story:
I was a little taken back by this, but found my self saying YES. I then thought about it and decided against it, as Pam, the teacher who works at the pub was due back from holiday on the Sunday. I really like her and I knew the Fat Bar maid would tell her if anything happened which as Pam is the respectable sort, would ruin any chance I may have with her.Marvel reader at the innocence, the purity of thought and deed shown here by the Dirtyboy fresh from a weekend of healthy outdoor pursuits. Hold the picture in your mind of this pure and chaste creature, glowing with the righteousness of the truly good at heart.
Then, cringe at how easily one so exalted can tumble from grace:
My lodger stayed at some girls house so I went home alone to have a "wankfest" over some blue movie. It was about 3:00 am and I was just about to go to bad when somebody knocked on the door. You've guesed it, it was the Fat bar maid.
One of the Lads who actually fancies the barmaid had taken her to Birkenhead, paid for all her drinks and bought her a Curry. In the Taxi home she informed him she wanted dropping off at the Dirtyboys house, which he wasn't happy about.
Perhaps we should draw a veil over the delicate courtship that ensued, suffice to say they ended up in bed. Dirtyboy didn't muck around, it was a roll on roll off scenario. However, due to the recently held "wankfest" their communion lasted for quite a long time, so what it lacked in quality was at least made up for by quantity.
Unfortunately, the Dirtyboy didn't use a Condom and presumed that the barmaid was on the Pill, but on shooting his load, she informed him that she hadn't taken 'precautions' and it was 2 weeks since her last period.
Dear Reader, how the mighty are fallen. We wait with bated breath to hear of what will happen. Hopefully the Dirtyboy has a really low sperm count due to his unhealthy life style and the previous draining of his gonads. Suffice it to say that the dirtyboy didn't get too much sleep, as the thought of actually fathering a baby with this girl was horrific. Would the baby be short and fat or would it work the other way and be tall like her and reasonably trim. Would Martycam be permanently connected with this Bleached Blonde Beast of a Girl, he'd never get a decent shag again.
This was one shag the dirtyboy wanted to keep quiet, but, let our hero continue:
Then I heard the door go it was 7:00 am and my lodger had come back to get ready for work. I then heard him laughing in the front room, she had left her handbag and shoes in the front room. He wasn't sure who it was so He came upstairs to investigate. I was just hoping she'd stay asleep until My other Mate came to pick the lodger up for work. I then heard a roar of laughter, my door was slightly ajar. I found out later all he could see was a " Big fat blonde head ", and he knew who it was straight away. I knew any chance of keeping it quiet was gone. Sure enough the whole pub knows, including Pam, the girl who may have put me on the path to Social and Moral responsibility.
Dear reader, do not be too harsh on Dirtyboy. For did he not turn down temptation when it was offered. Did he not return home alone for an evening of quiet solitude and wanking. Did he not fall into the rightful and deep sleep of the pissed and good. That foul wretch had to come and ruin his slumbers, drag him into bed and force him to inseminate her. What a a cruel and unnatural beast she is. And yes oh reader weep, for the lost love of dear Pam, the one and true love of the Dirtyboys life. Let not the lessons of this true story be wasted on you.
To show our European credentials here is the same story in French and German.
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