From: Charles Daniels To: sadwank@onelist.com Subject: [sadwank] Spice 1999 Award "Most Kissable Companion" Date: Tuesday, March 16, 1999 16:51 From: Charles Daniels The Spice 1999 awards, Charles steps out on stage and proceeds in front of the podium in the spot light. In his hands he carries a small red ring box and a large envelope. Leaning over the mic he begins to talk to the assembled audience: Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, at least I hope you'll be ladies and gentlemen! We are gathered here at Miliways to witness the end of the universe. I myself look forward to seeing the end of the universe, unfortunately I do not get the pleasure to announce the end of the universe as that award is being announced by the esteemed and wonderful Heather Smith. All seriousness aside for a moment though, I was very happy to be asked to present this award because I had a really wonderful true story to tell you all which relates. It was only last month when I had a magical moment in my personal life, it lasted about a quarter of a millisecond, but it seemed like an eternity. I had been talking to Wendy Padbury for quite some time. It started when I brought her a VERY sadwank picture for her to sign, she was bending over in it and the cleavage was lovely, anyway we'd been talking and she had been absent-mindedly scribbling things on the picture during our lengthy conversation about her PVC paper skirts, and right out of the blue Wendy Padbury says to me "Would you like a kiss?" And I'm STUNNED! I can not THINK! Somehow my brain still had enough composure to very nicely say "Yes, that would be lovely." And so sweet, adorable, sexy as hell, Wendy Padbury slowly tilted her head....and DREW AN "X" beneath her name on the on the autograph! Poor, poor girl, she wondered why I breathed out so heavily out after she signed it. She probably thought I was having an attack of asthma. Very sad, very true. Now this is my award, my time on stage and therefore MY FANTASY. Many lovely girls got votes but there can sadly be but one winner. So in order to somewhat console those darlings who didn't quite get the total of votes needed to win this category, I will invite them on stage and let them kiss me. Such a kind offer isn't it ladies and gentlemen? First I want to welcome my fellow Californian, Peri. Lovely outfit she has on. *Smooch* Dear girl, let's hope she wins something, and if she doesn't, she can always be comforted in my hotel room tonight. Next up is the first Romana! Lovely lady, absolutely gorgeous. *proper Hollywood kiss* Such class and dignity! Even if she has consented to kiss a rogue like me! I'll be sure she gets my hotel key if she hasn't been honored with an award. Now there is a very special woman coming up to the stage. Someone whom might want to make up for my spastic attack, ZOE! *DEEP LONG WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE KISS* WOW! Zoe can come to my hotel room whether or not she wins an award! She can come over when I'm not even there and not let me in! I just want to say she's been in my room! Wonderful girl, she hasn't filed a restraining order or anything. The next companion, my pleasure to announce, the lovely sweet woman/ demolition expert, Jo Grant! *KISS* Well I do hope they were able to time scoop you up before the Green Death because I wouldn't want a bunch of hippie activist invading my hotel room tonight, especially when I'm hoping for so many invited guests to arrive! And the final companion before I announce the winner, the adorable and dangerous ACE!!! *GRABBED BY ACE AND BRUTALLY ATACKED AND KISSED!!* Oh my! She doesn't do anything small does she?? Very explosive. So...the moment everyone has been waiting for... *dramatically opens the envelope and stares at the card* *looking at audience with a childish "I know something you don't know" expression* To be cruel, which I truly am, I should show you the award first shouldn't I? *opens ring case and removes....large red wax lips* Let there be lips! Yes, tacky and appropriate, my favorite combination. Now...I have the most amazing news. It's a tie. Only one person can win so this is of course a quandary. As the presenter I am forced to make a decision. Luckily I'm not bound to make an ethical or sensible one so this is what I'm going to do... Will Sarah Jane Smith and The Second Romana please join me on the stage. *evil grin* Now lovely ladies this hitch unexpectedly..popping up..has left me to make a hard...decision. I would like Sarah Jane and Romana to kiss each other as passionately as possible, on stage, in front of everyone. Whoever is most into the endeavor, whoever shows the most passion and ability will take with them not only the Spice 1999 award for Most Kissable Companion, but a lifetime supply of keys to my home and any residence I ever take up permanently or temporarily, for use at any time. *Watches with the audience as Romana 2 and Sarah Jane embrace and deeply kiss each other. Carefully observing, the warm passion of the kind and loving Sarah Jane versus the kinky costumes of Romana 2* This is a close one, they'll have to kiss for a bit longer won't they? *Watches as Romana 2 picks up Sarah Jane. Sarah Jane wraps her legs around Romana as she goes in to kiss deep* They may have to kiss a very long time. *wide smile* *The deep wet sloppily kisses exchange back and forth lustily until finally poor Sarah Jane passes out* Oh my! A complete black out from Sarah Jane! Romana 2's respitory bypass system and incredible double heart strength win out! I guess the Time Lords are Masters of more than just time and space! *Hands the wax lips and keys to Romana 2* Now ladies and gentlemen, a huge round of applause and PLEASE someone make sure Sarah Jane gets home alright. I'd love to stay for the entire ceremony and wrap this up properly but I think I really out to test out Romana's super human abilities in the spirit of cross species understanding! Think of the benefits if we could train humans to kiss like this!!!!! Goodnight, and happy awards! *Charles disappears behind the curtains with Romana 2* ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ta Da! Come see our new web site! http://www.onelist.com Onelist: A free email community service