From: Russ Massey To: sadwank@onelist.com Subject: [sadwank] Spice 1999 Best Legs Award - The Results Date: Tuesday, March 16, 1999 19:05 From: Russ Massey And now an expectant hush falls over the tables of Milliways, as the assorted humans, aliens and carbon-challenged lifeforms await the announcement of the Spice 1999 award for best legs. There is a slight commotion at the back as three Daleks raise placards saying 'Legs - No thanks!' and 'Stamp out Wheelism'. They are swiftly ejected by the Zarbi bouncers, to a chorus of Movellan cat-calls. The lights go out. Then a single spot illuminates the black clad figure now standing at the dais. Not a sound can be heard as piercing eyes rake the audience. 'I am the Master, and you *will* applaud me.' The Timelord receives a standing ovation until he modestly raises a gloved hand to achieve silence. 'How touching. I will now announce the results of the voting for the Best Legs. I understand it is traditional in these cases to show clips of the nominees in chronological order. You *will* observe the screen...' 'First is Miss Victoria Waterfield.' The scene is monochrome. An interior. A base of some sort, with control panels and indecipherable technology. Victoria is napping against the wall wearing a short dress and showing a good deal more than the finely-turned ankle that she would have thought proper a short time earlier. A small silvery creature creeps over the floor unseen. Cries of 'Excellent!' from table 3. Hostile rustlings from the sentient seaweed draped over the seafood tank. 'Second is Doctor Elizabeth Shaw.' The Doctor is beneath his beloved Bessie, tinkering with the engine. Liz enters in a red minidress belted with a chain of gold loops, and wearing dark knee-boots. Her legs are shown to perfection as she crouches to persuade the Doctor that he should investigate the interesting caves of Wenley Moor. A trio of Earth Reptiles storm out, heads wobbling in disgust. Half a dozen off-duty UNIT soldiers saunter out after them, neglecting to lay down their cutlery in their high spirits. 'Third is a girl I remember exceedingly well - Miss Josephine Grant.' Jo raised her eyes at the Doctor's obtuseness and went to fetch the paper. She hopped onto the desk and crossed her legs, causing the hem of her brown minidress to rise and show even more thigh, as well as the swell of her calf muscles in yellow plastic boots tight enough to have been sprayed on. There was tremendous applause for the obvious audience favourite. The Peladon table was especially vociferous, an rather off-colour remark from King Pel earning a glare from Mike Yates. 'Fourth, a young Time Lady from my own home planet, Fred.' The Master looks to the wings. 'Well that's what it says here..' Romana, all clad in white, places her hands on her hips and glares at the Doctor. Her slit dress opens to reveal one shapely, long, long leg... Freeze frame. Several elderly Time Lords experience respiratory distress and regenerate between courses. The Master fractionally raises a single eyebrow. 'Fifth, we have Miss, ah, that is *Ms* Tegan Jovanka.' Underground. Rock walls. Circular tunnels. Menaced by the gravity powers of the Tractators the Doctor attempts to resist. He grabs Tegan around the waist and we are treated to a view of her stockinged legs beneath a shiny leather miniskirt. 'Sixth, and finally, another fine example of Colonial womanhood, Miss Perpugilliam Brown.' The TARDIS interior. Turlough carries a comatose Peri, clad only in a tiny bikini and throws her none too gently down onto a bed. Her tanned legs sprawl in comely disarray, showing more lissom flesh than any companion so far. King Yrcanos would have no doubt led the audience cheers, but the Jacob's Creek had had its customary effect, and he was slumped against a nervous Alpha Centauri, and snoring loudly. 'The voting produced a three-way tie for second place between Jo Grant, Fred and Tegan. So it now gives me enormous satisfaction to announce the undisputed winner of the Best Legs award - Doctor Elizabeth Shaw.' Frenzied clapping from the remaining UNIT personnel. Stony silence from several plastic dummies in the front row. 'Unfortunately, Doctor Shaw is involved in a delicate research project which cannot be interrupted, and so to collect the award in her place I can introduce the alternate Liz Shaw from the destroyed alternate Earth of Inferno.' There is a clicking of heels and a woman in leather knee boots and a military uniform with a very short skirt strides up to the lectern. The Master bows over her hand. She appears unmoved. She raises one leg and slowly withdraws her speech from her boot top. The audience cranes its collective neck and gasps at the length of thigh exposed in this manoeuvre. 'I'd like to thank everyone who made this possible. Even though in a properly disciplined and ordered society you would have no time for such frivolities. Thank you.' With a salute, she turns and stalks off stage, accompanied by an attentive Master. The UNIT ensemble spin in their chairs to face the audience. Each one is wearing an eyepatch... -- Rutan ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you know that we have over 85,000 e-mail communities at Onelist? http://www.onelist.com Come visit our new web site and explore a new interest