From: Robin Bland To: sadwank list Subject: [sadwank] Spice 1999: Most shaggable companion award presentation Date: Sunday, March 21, 1999 05:02From: "Robin Bland" The audience shifts restlessly in their seats as the band plays an interlude that is definitely longer than usual. Finally, scuffling and a few thumps can be heard from backstage. The music dies down as the announcer is heard to be saying, ". . . and here he is, Robin Bland!" Applause briefly swells and dies down again as a middle-aged, 20-stone, short, balding man appears on stage smiling and waving to the audience. He has close-cropped beard and hair. Mister Dibber does a double-take, at first thinking that Sabalom Glitz has taken the stage. A closer look reveals that Bland only has Glitz's dress-sense. Actually, from the condition of the clothes, they could well be one of Glitz's old ensembles which he discarded. Stepping up to the podium, Bland begins to read from some small notecards which he has taken from a pocket. "Thank you! And now, the moment you've been waiting for . . . the nominees for the most shaggable companion! The nominees, presented in the order of their appearance on screen, are as follows: Zoe Herriot!" Zoe walks onto stage smiling sweetly. She's wearing a tight silver strapless mini-dress, elbow-length black lace fingerless gloves, silver sandles, and a small silver ankle bracelet with some charms on it. Guests seated near the front, although craning their necks, are unable to see the color of her panties. However, since the dress is so tight, they can tell that her only undergarment is thongpanties."Jo Grant!" Jo skips nimbly up the stairs onto the stage, a wide grin on her face, her eyes darting around in excitement, taking in every detail of her surroundings. She is wearing long white boots that look to be leather. They have 2" heels and come up to just above her knees. Her cream-coloured silk stockings end a few inches above the tops of the boots and fasten onto the garter belt that peeks from beneath her skirt. The skirt is a pleated green mini and is complemented by a tight white long-sleeved shirt with a plunging neckline. A green furry boa which Jo playfully swings aroundmatches her skirt."Leela!" Leela runs from the back of the room and leaps onto the stage, landing in a semi-crouch and staring menacingly at the audience. After a moment her eyes twinkle with a "Gothca!" and she laughs and takes a bow. Leela is wearing a simple leather leotard, dark brown, and matching akle boots. For some inexplicable reason, she is soaking wet from head to toe."Romana!" The second incarnation of Romana ascends the stairs with great poise. She crosses the stage and takes her place among the nominees. She is wearing black-and-white saddle shoes and white cotton knee-socks. Her plaid skirt is reminiscent of the school uniforms worn by young girls, but the fact that her white cotton panties are slightly visible even she doesn't move, and are extremely visible when she moves at all, are proof enough that this is no "regulation" school uniform! She wears a conservative white shirt, but the buttons are all open and the tails are tied in front above her naval. She has a royal blue dress jacket with a crest on the breast pocket, but she is using it more like a prop, dragging it behind her nonchalantly. In her hair are two yellow ribbons tying her hair into two ponytails on the sides."Nyssa!" Nyssa calmly takes her place, acknowledging the audience with a slight nod. She looks serious, as if she has something more mportant on her mind. Her clothing shows that her tastes have changed somewhat since we last saw her. She wears a black PVC bustier, a choker full of gems (diamonds?) sparkles at her neck. Silver-studded leather cuffs adorn her wrists. What she wears on her bottom half can only be described as G-string. Her legs are bare and she appears to be completely at home atop her 5" high black open-toed stillettos."Tegan Jovanka!" Tegan smiles at the audience and curtsies slightly as she reaches her place. Tegan's hair is now much longer, tumbling down her back, just short enough that she doesn't have to worry about sitting on it. She is wearing a black turtle-neck with a red dress-jacket over it. On the left lapel of the jacket is a gold pin - perhaps in the shape of a snake? or possibly just a swirl. Small gold earrings match the pin. She wears black slacks, fitting nicely but not particularly tightly. Above her red pumps, if you look closely enough, you'll see that her nylons are also black."Peri Brown!" Peri slinks up onto the stage, moving as if she is still competing for votes. She wears a single article of clothing. It is red. The material doesn't look like cloth, leather or plastic. It most resembles thick paint. Her left leg is bare from the knee down, her left should and arm are also bare, as is most of her back and all but the nipple of her left breast. Thin strands connect different areas, linking them into one continuous garment. Physicists in the audience are attempting to calculate how it stays on her body at all. There are openings in unusual places, through one of these on her inner thigh, a few stray pubic hairs show. Overall, heroutfit is so impractical for any given situation, it can only mean that it is a designer original."and ACE!" The audience goes wild as Ace struts up to the stage. She is wearing clear high-heeled sandals, and a neon green thong bikini. Jaws drop as she passes. Very few present have ever seen a bikini this small. As a matter of fact, there's no chance of any pubes showing here. It is obvious to all that her pussy is clean-shaven. In the audience Sabalom Glitz lets out an "Oooofff" as Mel Bush elbows him in the ribs. "I wasn't staring!" he complains, "I was just thinking that if she had green nipple and tied two pieces of mint dental floss to them, her bikini top would look exactly the same!" Mel doesn't look satisfied with this explanation, so Glitz adds, ". . . and I was thinking how nice it would be if I got you abikini just like it as a present!" Mel's frown is replaced by a smile and her eyes twinkle as she musses Glitz's hairwith an affectionate "Oh, you . . ." "Now folks, each and every one of these ladies is already a winner. But only one will walk away with this year's title. For the contest allows for only one winner, and three runners-up. This year, there is a four-way tie for third runner up, there is one second runner-up, there is a two-way tie for first runner-up, and there is our onewinner." "The four contestants tied for third runner-up are: Leela . . ." In a single bound Leela is behind Bland. Bland twitches and falls stiffly to the floor, a long thorn of some type protruding from the back of his neck. Leela snarls, "No one breaks a promise to a Servateem warrior!" and handsprings across the stage and out the backstage entrance. Before anyone else can even react, a strange wheezing/groaning sound is heard. As a blue box materializes near the stage, robomorticians efficiently remove the body. The police box door opens, a slightly confused-looking Bland emerges. He approaches the podium. "Um, apparently something didn't go quite as planned during the ceremony, I've been brought to you from just prior to my entrance and I'm told that I am to pick up the ceremony from the second name on the third runner-up list . . . ahem, Nyssa . . ." Nyssa looks surprised. She looks at Bland, hatred in her eyes. She takes in the security guards near the stage and the distance between Bland and herself. "Hmmph!" She tosses her head and exits the stage quickly, but with great dignity. " . . . Tegan . . . " Bland's and Tegan's eyes meet. Tegan doesn't look either surprised or disappointed. She smiles slightly and leaves the line of contestants. But rather than leaving the stage, she moves upstage and stands, as if waiting for something. " . . . and Ace . . . " " You @#$@ing &@%^ #$_$ %*%@!!!!" bellows Ace. The end of her curse is drowned out by the sound of a large explosion coming from the vicinity of the podium as a long narrow black canister which had arced across the stage makes impact. Just before it hits, Bland's eyes go wide in shock. His last thought is, "Where the HELL did she hide THAT in THAT outfit??!!" Before the sound of the blast dies away, the police box has disappeared. The last tones of its rematerialization are heard mingled with the blast echoes. Robocleaners and roboroadies replace the splintered and charred sections of stage with amazing speed and are just finishing placing a new podium in place as Bland emerges from the TARDIS and approaches the podium. "Um, apparently something didn't go quite as planned during the ceremony, I've been brought to you from just prior to my entrance and I'm told that I am to pick up the ceremony from the second runner-up. And the second runner-up is Peri!" "LIAR!!!" Peri screeches, "You said that you'd guarantee that I'd win if I fucked you!" A roar is heard from the audience. It is Yrcanos smashing his way toward the stage with six security guards clinging to him. Familiar with the power of Yrcanos' temper, Peri's anger changes to concern as she rushes down to meet him, calling out, "Oh, Yrcy, he wasn't even any good!" as 13 security guards finally manage to reverse the king's direction of movement and move him further from the stage. "Now we have only the three ladies remaining. Two are first runners-up and one is the winner." Zoe looks nervous. Jo and Romana look confident. "The official winner of SADWANK's Spice 1999 most-shaggable companion award, the lady who shall take home this lovely paper certificate suitable for framing, is . . . ZOE HERRIOT!!!" Jo's and Romana's faces register shock. Zoe steps away from them to claim her reward. Jo and Romana look daggers at Bland. their fists clench and their muscles tense. They look towards each other, their eyes meet, they each open their mouths to speak, their eyes meet, their bodies begin to relax. At the same time they both have the same idea. Their eyes meet, their fists unclench. Romana smiles slightly. In response Jo smiles broadly. Romana fishes a room key out of the pocket of her blazer and drops the coat to the floor. She reaches out her right hand and takes Jo's left hand. Jo swings her boa over Romana's shoulders as they leave the stage together, apparently having forgotten about the ceremony. Zoe takes the award from Bland, reads it quickly, and sets it on the podium. "Thank you so much. I feel very honored and grateful. I will treasure this award." As Tegan approaches the podium from her place upstage, Zoe turns to speak directly to Bland, "I got the impression that you told each of those other girls that you would make them the winner in exchange for sex." "Yes, I did," Bland replies to her implied question. "How is it then, Robin, that I won but you never propositioned me?" Tegan has reached the podium, she places her arm around Bland's waist and he places his around her shoulders as he explains, "Well, Zoe, I did intend to screw each of you. Ace, Jo, Leela, Nyssa, Peri, Romana, Tegan, and you. But I was going in alphabetical order, you see, and when I got to Tegan, she was just so passionate that, in the heat of the moment I admitted that I had no power over who won or lost the award. She admitted that she had talked to Nyssa already and knew what to expect before I even approached her. By the time we came up for air, I had decided to abandon my scheme. You won fair and square, Zoe. But in my personal opinion, Teganand I are the winners." Tegan and Bland leave the stage together, the lights go down and a spotlight picks out Zoe. The audience explodes . . . WITH APPLAUSE! in a standing ovation. Zoe she takes a bow and blows kisses to the audience. A stagehand delivers a big bouquet of roses into her arms and this segment of the ceremony draws to a close.RB